Disney to Purchase Iraq

"Just don't call me Grumpy!"

August 31, 2007

Robert "Bob" Iger, CEO of the Walt Disney Company, announced today that Disney plans to purchase the nation of Iraq from Halliburton for the sum of 15 billion dollars U.S. The company is reportedly planning on turning the entire country into "Disney Holyland," a theme park to rival DisneyWorld, EuroDisney or even the recent California Adventures park.

"It was really a no-brainer," says Iger, "I had been noticing the striking similarities of U.S. Army patrols to our Mr. Toad's Wild Ride for some time now. I guess the clincher was when I realized that religious leader Muqtada al-Sadr is a dead ringer for Doc from the Seven Dwarfs."

Halliburton was rumored to be eager to sell the property, citing its inability to improve the embattled nation's infrastructure and economy.

Iger: "Infrastructure is what Disney does best. All of our parks have monorails, fake rivers with steamboats, round-the-clock maintenance, plenty of security and our restroom facilities are immaculate "

"As for the economic benefits, every single Iraqi citizen will have a job serving churros, cleaning vomit from the rides, singing in an N Sync cover band on the Tomorrowland stage or playing one of our beloved Disney characters. Hell, they already cover their women from head to toe - what's the difference between a burqa and a Donald Duck outfit?"

Iger admits that cultural differences will require the park to have new features. One Arab-friendly new attraction is Great Satan Land, a thrilling scary mockup of Times Square where parkgoers will be menaced by faux Israeli soldiers and impersonators of decadent infidels like Lindsey Lohan and the Pope.

Iger: "I foresee a great success as oil sheiks from Saudi Arabia and Kuwait now have a wholesome family vacation spot to visit with their 30 wives and 300 children. The best part is, the whole project will pay for itself as we plan to capitalize on some of the...fringe benefits of our acquisition."

American consumers should watch for the opening of a "Mickey Mobil" gas station in their neighborhood by early next year.

Back To Top