Disney to Purchase Iraq

News Type: Other — Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:16 PM EDT

odd-news, iraq, israel, satire, disney, halliburton, holy-land, al-sadr, wwn, weakly-world-news, i-miss-bat-boy

"Just don't call me Grumpy!"

August 31, 2007

Robert "Bob" Iger, CEO of the Walt Disney Company, announced today that Disney plans to purchase the nation of Iraq from Halliburton for the sum of 15 billion dollars U.S. The company is reportedly planning on turning the entire country into "Disney Holyland," a theme park to rival DisneyWorld, EuroDisney or even the recent California Adventures park.

"It was really a no-brainer," says Iger, "I had been noticing the striking similarities of U.S. Army patrols to our Mr. Toad's Wild Ride for some time now. I guess the clincher was when I realized that religious leader Muqtada al-Sadr is a dead ringer for Doc from the Seven Dwarfs."

Halliburton was rumored to be eager to sell the property, citing its inability to improve the embattled nation's infrastructure and economy.

Iger: "Infrastructure is what Disney does best. All of our parks have monorails, fake rivers with steamboats, round-the-clock maintenance, plenty of security and our restroom facilities are immaculate "

"As for the economic benefits, every single Iraqi citizen will have a job serving churros, cleaning vomit from the rides, singing in an N Sync cover band on the Tomorrowland stage or playing one of our beloved Disney characters. Hell, they already cover their women from head to toe - what's the difference between a burqa and a Donald Duck outfit?"

Iger admits that cultural differences will require the park to have new features. One Arab-friendly new attraction is Great Satan Land, a thrilling scary mockup of Times Square where parkgoers will be menaced by faux Israeli soldiers and impersonators of decadent infidels like Lindsey Lohan and the Pope.

Iger: "I foresee a great success as oil sheiks from Saudi Arabia and Kuwait now have a wholesome family vacation spot to visit with their 30 wives and 300 children. The best part is, the whole project will pay for itself as we plan to capitalize on some of the...fringe benefits of our acquisition."

American consumers should watch for the opening of a "Mickey Mobil" gas station in their neighborhood by early next year.

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7.1

{"commentId":990333,"authorDomain":"fawnshore"}

Walt D

Update: Disney has run into unexpected obstacles as Princess Jasmine was executed in a public stoning for being an "infidel harlot" and Sunni leaders have demanded that all "Pirates of the Carribean" characters be played by U.S. servicemen.

{"commentId":990333,"threadId":"145053","contentId":"934198","authorDomain":"fawnshore"}

7 votes

#1 - Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:09 PM EDT

{"commentId":990434,"authorDomain":"celestina"}

Celestina

Typical. I just knew Disney was going to pull something like this, you could smell the greed.
I am really sad about Jasmine, though. She was hot. Has anyone done anything to ensure the rest of the princesses (or at least Ariel) are safe?

{"commentId":990434,"threadId":"145053","contentId":"934198","authorDomain":"celestina"}

6 votes

#2 - Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:39 PM EDT

{"commentId":990570,"authorDomain":"melonhead"}

urbane gorilla

Bibbity-bobbity-burka!

{"commentId":990570,"threadId":"145053","contentId":"934198","authorDomain":"melonhead"}

5 votes

#2.1 - Fri Aug 31, 2007 4:20 PM EDT

{"commentId":990750,"authorDomain":"fawnshore"}

Walt D

Has anyone done anything to ensure the rest of the princesses (or at least Ariel) are safe?

They are safe but compromises had to be made. For instance..

Ariel must now be covered entirely with fish scales, with only her eyes showing.

Sleeping Beauty can no longer be awakened by a decadent, shameful premarital sexual overture (the kiss), but with readings from the Glorious Q'uran.

Snow White must also be a dwarf, since associating with men who are not her relatives would be shameful.

The assigned sex roles of Beauty and the Beast will be reversed and the story will now be known as The Vile Temptress Who Realizes the Error of Her Dishonorable Ways and Submits to Her Sacred Role in Subservience to Her Ascribed Master in Holy Matrimony as Dictated by the Prophet (Peace be Upon Him).

{"commentId":990750,"threadId":"145053","contentId":"934198","authorDomain":"fawnshore"}

6 votes

#2.2 - Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:24 PM EDT

{"commentId":990767,"authorDomain":"noah"}

Noah Bradley

The Vile Temptress Who Realizes the Error of Her Dishonorable Ways and Submits to Her Sacred Role in Subservience to Her Ascribed Master in Holy Matrimony as Dictated by the Prophet (Peace be Upon Him).

Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

{"commentId":990767,"threadId":"145053","contentId":"934198","authorDomain":"noah"}

4 votes

#2.3 - Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:29 PM EDT

{"commentId":990469,"authorDomain":"noah"}

Noah Bradley

I just hope Microsoft doesn't try to buy Iran or anything -- I'm pretty sure that's one of the signs of Armageddon.

{"commentId":990469,"threadId":"145053","contentId":"934198","authorDomain":"noah"}

5 votes

#3 - Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:49 PM EDT

{"commentId":990498,"authorDomain":"fawnshore"}

Walt D

I'm pretty sure that's one of the signs of Armageddon.

It is for Apple.

Steve Jobs: "What's that ticking sound?"

{"commentId":990498,"threadId":"145053","contentId":"934198","authorDomain":"fawnshore"}

3 votes

#3.1 - Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:56 PM EDT

{"commentId":990761,"authorDomain":"Brad-Leclerc"}

Brad Leclerc

Steve Jobs: "What's that ticking sound?"

Busted iPod battery.

{"commentId":990761,"threadId":"145053","contentId":"934198","authorDomain":"Brad-Leclerc"}

3 votes

#3.2 - Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:27 PM EDT

{"commentId":990811,"authorDomain":"ansab"}

Ansab

Are we going to have to bring in all the animals from Africa in tribute to Lion King?

Does anyone else think that's a slightly dangerous thing to add to a crazy warzone? Although, if we have a talking Lion govern Iraq it might not be so bad.

{"commentId":990811,"threadId":"145053","contentId":"934198","authorDomain":"ansab"}

5 votes

#4 - Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:52 PM EDT

{"commentId":991014,"authorDomain":"fawnshore"}

Walt D

Although, if we have a talking Lion govern Iraq it might not be so bad.

Government by a savage furry feral beast is still some form of government....

{"commentId":991014,"threadId":"145053","contentId":"934198","authorDomain":"fawnshore"}

4 votes

#4.1 - Fri Aug 31, 2007 7:12 PM EDT

{"commentId":990819,"authorDomain":"melonhead"}

urbane gorilla

Lotta that going around

- she says with insufferable self-reference. . .

{"commentId":990819,"threadId":"145053","contentId":"934198","authorDomain":"melonhead"}

4 votes

#5 - Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:56 PM EDT

{"canLink":false,"threadId":"145053","isPrivate":false}

WALT D

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Disney to Purchase Iraq

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