All praise and honor to the late great Hunter S. Thompson
life on a farm is kinda laid back
ain't nothin' these old country boys can't hack
early to rise, early in the sack
-John Denver
One of the greatest iconic figures in the American Mythology is the Noble Farmer (a close second to the Homicidally Psychotic Cowboy/Outlaw). We know him well: a selfless paragon of good Christian virtue, the only thing he values more than God, family and flag is his tireless quest to bring forth nourishing yummies from the Earth herself and deliver them fresh to your dinner table. He has no vices. Not for him the bars and whoremarkets of decadent urbanism. He toils from dawn til dusk in his sunlit fields and then collapses into the chaste embrace of his broodmaker, sleeping the deep, black sleep of the righteous, only to wake at dawn and start again. He is all that is Good and Right in us. He is the backbone of blahdie blah blah....
Whether or not this heroic figure ever existed in reality is debatable. One thing is for certain: he's gone now, folks! Your store-bought produce is planted, cultivated, harvested, pumped full of unsavory chemicals and shipped by soulless corporate entities so inhuman and calculating that their coldness would seriously freak out the agents from The Matrix.
Um...yuck?
Yuck is right. These farmin' Frankensteins don't give a fuck what agri-abominations they shove down the collective gullet of you and your family as long their shareholders are content ("what's for dinner mommy?" "7-breasted chicken with a side of malathion!" "yum! my tumor is salivating!").
What about the Great American Farmer? Surely, he'll save us!
Nope. He was bought out long ago and his progeny work at 7-11. They sport elaborate mullets at weekend NASCAR rallies.
....but I don't wanna eat bizarre corporo-chemicals!! I just want a fucking artichoke...possibly some spinach! What the....seriously, what can I do?
Glad you asked. Although the days of the noble dawn-to-dusk virtuous field-golem are no more, there is a likely candidate to replace him as designated Wholesome Steward of the Wholesome Earth and All Its Wholesome Goodies. That's right...the disaffected, anarchistic, cynical, inebriated fuckup!
Huh? I mean...wha..?
Think about it; our lifestyles and attitudes will only serve to alienate us further and further from society. The good citizens can't kill us, but they'll sure as hell try to starve us out (speaking from experience, the absence of Twinkies and Big Macs is no great loss). I say let 'em try! I say let's, at least partially, remove ourselves from the grid of consumer trough culture and become the blueprint for a new American Icon: The Self-Sustaining Subversive. Let's learn the ways of seed and soil. Let's save a heap of money on groceries and use the resulting windfall to support the more depraved aspects of our questionable lifestyles!
Out here on the perimeter, we are stoned, immaculate
-The Doors
Let's get our farm on, shall we?
Assets: an acre-plus of good Appalachian earth, various farm implements, bought at discount stores, Scary Larry (the best scarecrow in the land....I'd stack him up against any in the business), wild-eyed idiot optimism
In the ground so far: multiple forms of cabbage (yeah, I'm Polish), broccoli, cayenne, sweet potatoes, cucumbers, jalapenos, pumpkin, various tomatoes, cantaloupe
Soon to be in ground: corn, Hungarian wax peppers, habaneros, beans, lettuce, cilantro, squash, watermelon, potatoes, much more
The problem: Deer seen skulking around field on numerous occasions!
Sure, deer are beautiful, majestic and delicious animals but they are also voracious pests in the garden. I'll be damned if Bambi gets to sample my cabbage before it has an opportunity to become a tasty golumpki! There are many forms and brands of deer-repellent for sale online and in hardware stores, but we're trying to buy less crap, not more. I'll show you how to manufacture an effective deer-repellent right in your own home. Hell, I'll show how to manufacture it in your pants!
Millions of years of interspecies interaction have taught deer one thing: close proximity to bipeds is extremely hazardous. One could end up with one's head on some mouthbreather's den wall, made into bad shoes or even hickory-smoked jerky. Deer avoid people....and rightly so. The object here is to make our field smell like people without having to actually hang out in it all day. This is a job for urine!
Yep, urine. It has other uses besides a prop in European pornos. Okay, maybe not that many uses, but it is an effective deer repellent. Our fellow mammals realized long ago the territory-designating powers of pee. It's time we jumped on the bandwagon.
What you'll need:
Pee (lots of it)
A delivery system (hint: also in your pants)
Reasonably good aim (for chrissake, don't piss on your vegetables, you sick bastards! You want to eat them, don't you?)
When I say lots of pee, I mean copious amounts. Your pathetic 3 to 5 potty breaks a day won't cut it. If only there were some substance to facilitate the production of large amounts of urine in the human body. Hmmmm...
There must be something we can use....
Okay, we all know where this is going. Liquor, lots of it. Hell, wine or beer will do, too. Be sure to swill fantastic amounts to ensure a plentiful harvest of premium repellent (like you needed an excuse). Let's grab the bottle and get to deerproofin'....cheers! Who said farming can't be a party? Woo Hoo!
*sigh* I suppose you teetotallers can use coffee, if you must.
We'll need a nice even perimeter around the whole field. Don't be shy; invite friends over. Ladies, this is no time for squeamishness. No one's using your deerproofing duties as an opportunity for cheap thrills. That sound in the bushes? That's...um...squirrels.
Now that the field is effectively deerproofed, we'll move on to some serious farmin'.
Next episode: Walt Milks a Goat (?)
