Ho ho ho!
Come here and sit on Santa's lap, little one. My, how big you have gotten! Ho ho! Tell Santa what you want for Christmas. Oh, ho ho! What's that? You want a _________? Ho ho ho!
Well, little one, Santa can't do that.
Don't be sad (ho.). Hmmm? A lump of coal? Why Santa would never give you a lump of coal, my young friend (ho ho) because you might burn it, thereby providing life-sustaining heat and possibly prolonging your pathetic existence. Ho ho! For you see, Santa thinks you're a douche.
Ho ho ho!
Why the long face? (ho ho). It's probably not your fault. Your parents were probably asshats as well so (oh ho) you never had a chance. Ho ho hooo! All your friends are douchebags too. Ho!
Santa keeps a list and checks it often. Sometimes twice. And you have been very very naughty. Please don't cry. Ho ho. Seriously...(ho)..look at what you do: blathering your semi-formed spoonfed "opinions" to the world while a Greek chorus of like-minded douchetards cheers you on. That's very very naughty. It's even naughtier that the opinions you espouse were forcibly downloaded into the tinkertoy meat calculator that passes for your brain while you basked in the glow of your computer monitor and a grotesquely inflated sense of self-importance (ho ho). Still, you were complicit in your Manchurean candidization by virtue of the fact that you mistake blind tribal ideoloyalty for creative thought. And that is really naughty, young one. Ho hoho. Have you ever encountered a differing viewpoint that you so much as considered briefly before drowning it in a fetid vat of semisnarky sarcastic cerebral sputum? Have you ever even examined your own viewpoint, traced its origins, established its validity or lack thereof? Have you ever pondered information that didn't fit perfectly into your third party dictated, predetermined worldview? Have you ever examined your Self?
Someone has to be wrong. What if it's you?
You are a douche. No toys for you this Christmas. No no, don't interrupt Santa or try to shout him down...that sort of behavior is what made you a douche in the first place.
Now get off Santa's lap before he shows you what a Yule log feels like. Ho ho ho!